It’s funny how at the ending of a relationship or marriage you look back and see all the mistakes that were made. Mistakes that could’ve easily been prevented but resentment, fear, and insecurity blocked the good intention of making your relationship work and long lasting.
I can honestly say for myself; I’ve swiped out several great relationships along my path struggling with these same issues. How about you?
The fog even thickenings as we converse with our inner circle of friends of family stressing the fact of have normalized relationship baggage appears to be. You carry bags of hurt, pain, fear, and anxiety in and out of each relationship encountered, wearing it like a gold medal of honor. This is actually very unhealthy and the primary cause of the loss of some really great relationships.
I’m not implying you’re a bad person or can’t get it right. But shining light on those internal wounds from abandonment being scraped each time you get too close in a relationship or your anxiety peaks if you don’t hear from your partner allowing that internalized fear to rise up. By default, you react and push it back down into to its hiding place with all the other traumatizing moments that have never been addressed. This behavior is what is killing your relationships and self-esteem.
Top Relationship Killers
Settling - You intentionally enter into less-than satisfying relationships by choosing partners who are not your equal. You operate out of fear of losing a really “good” one. So instead you choose someone who is not that great so it doesn’t hurt as much when they leave. Typically, you’re not excited about spending the rest of your life with your partner but yet fear being alone.
Insecure codependent - You need continual reassurance. Your survival is dependent on the reassurance from your partner and others. You develop a systemic pattern of asking the same questions over and over looking for the magical solution to cover-up your insecurities. The magic answer is what you crave. The solution once and for all that would make you feel secure. But it is never found.
Micro-manager – You are always needing to know where and what he or she is doing. You struggle with trust issues. Your mental and emotional stability is built on being with or in contact with your partner to make sure they’re in their exact location at the exact time. You resent your partner when they want spend time with others and not you.
Commitment issues - You long for closeness, but frequently push others away. You fear sharing an intellectual, sexual, and emotional closeness with your partner. When things get to close you go to great lengths to sabotage and add distance in the relationships.
Give too much - You are the caretaker and over compensate in the attempt to control your partner and avoid abandonment. You give from a place that you’re unable to receive love, attention, or help from others completely. You give to make up for your emptiness and believe you won’t be loved unless you provide the necessary care, money, sex or other material things.
Let’s be honest here. I’m sure am not the only one who could check off every box from the list of relationship killers. Been there done that. Many of you just like myself at one point, are suffering from some form of abandonment and maybe haven’t recognized it yet.
The insecurity associated with a fear of abandonment can ruin your relationships, create distance between people and prevent you from living a normal life. The self-pity game of feeling sorrow for yourself, crying or blaming others won’t change a thing. But what I know for sure is that when you seek to heal your heart things change. Take out time to get to know yourself, become of aware of your behavior and make small intentional decisions towards change. This is huge.
Addressing our own internal wounds can be a scary process be is an important part of your healing. Your abandonment wounds must be acknowledged, accepted, and forgiven or it will sit under the surface of your life, waiting to be triggered. When you accept your pain and treat it as if it matters, you are placing how you feel as top priority. Healing your abandonment wounds desensitize your triggers in relationships.
Healing from abandonment starts with identifying your pain. The pain you feel matters and needs to be accepted. Your original abandonment experience should be talked through with someone you trust like a close friend, therapist, or coach. By going within and processing your pain, you become mentally and emotionally stronger.
Struggling with abandonment issues, here's a free copy of the The Truth about Abandonment ebook.
Kimesha Coleman is a Motivational Speaker and Certified Results Coach specializing in working with women who has experienced some form of abuse or mistreatment to inspire them to new levels of possibilities by mastering self-esteem. Book your complimentary coaching session with Kimesha.